As parents, we need to work on setting priorities with our children. We need to ask, "What are the most important values that I want to stress and instill in my children?" Make sure you major in the majors, not the minors. If you focus on minor behavioral infractions, there is a tendency to create conflict and power struggles with your children. In focusing on the behavioral minutiae, you and your child may lose sight of the significant values that you want him to embrace. Your priorities for your child's character and responsibilities should entail such responsibilities as serving others, treating others with respect, doing volunteer work, making amends for mistakes, and contributing to the household by doing one's share of work. When I worked in the schools as a guidance counselor, I once had an exemplary student who needed a recommendation for college. I asked her to provide me with a worksheet or resume of her distinctions so that I could write a quality recommendation. In her worksheet, she told the story about how she would go to the landfill with her grandmother, look for broken dolls, take them home and repair them. Then she would deliver them to the children at a nearby orphanage. This is what I mean by encouraging children to cultivate worthwhile values and priorities.
Don't get overly caught up in fashion design, hair color, and types of music played by your children. These issues create unnecessary battles that go nowhere. If you continue to wrestle over less significant issues, you create the conditions for bigger power struggles and resentment. It's a delicate balance, but it's important to keep the lines of communications open with your child.
Parents need to effectively communicate their wishes and desires for their children. Children don't respond well to parents who holler, scream, and reprimand in a scolding voice. In fact, as tempting as this behavior may be, you can bet that your child is tuning you out. You may also be creating an oppositional child through your well-intentioned, though ineffective means of parenting. Using positive reinforcement when your child does things right, or using encouragement helps promote involvement. Maintaining consistent consequences, both positive and negative, are more effective than trying to coerce your child into doing a task for you.
Asking children to make value judgments about the choices they make is more effective than moralizing or pontificating about the right way to do things. If a child brings home a poor grade from school, resist the urge to lecture on the value of education. Ask your child, "Is what you are doing in this class good enough for you? How do you feel about this evaluation from your teacher? What steps can you take to improve your performance?" Make your child take responsibility for her behavior. Do not accept excuses, such as "I hate this teacher, or I just forgot to do some assignments." State your disappointment in what has happened and ask your child what he plans on doing to improve the matter. Box him in by making your child accountable for coming up with a reasonable plan for improvement. Get it in writing if you wish, or a handshake, but get a commitment for improved behavior. Never let your child off the hook. Make your child explain how she will change things for the better. Be calm, somewhat detached, and persistent.
Fostering involvement with your children which helps promote respect, setting character-building goals and priorities, and holding your children accountable for improved performance are essential characteristics of quality parenting.
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